


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 484

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [26]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 06:23:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6644917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When we last left our hero the hermit, Obi-Wan and Mace were able to leave Vinto Tox’s cave and wound up in a lightsaber duel with each other and then some Tuskens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 484

TATOOINE - Day 484:

It's been seventy-two hours since Vinto Tox released me from his cave of horror. For every one of those hours I've been expecting him to come after me. It's nearly impossible to sleep when you know there is something out there hunting you for your power. 

Mace has continued to return to the cave once a day, like a well-trained Kowakian monkey-lizard. He allows Tox to drain him of his Force essence, and then comes back to my hut like nothing has happened. 

It must be getting near that time again because Mace was getting antsy, pacing around my close quarters. Soon our daily argument would begin. 

"Kenobi?"

I was meditating, and pretended not to hear him. 

"KENOBI?!" 

I slowly pulled myself out of my meditative state, making him wait as long as possible. "Yes?"

"Our Master is waiting," Mace said while nervously rubbing his handless stub. 

"He's not my Master."

"He is too, you damn fool," Mace whispered, for some reason. "You just haven't accepted it yet."

I picked myself up off the floor and sat calmly in a chair. Since Vinto Tox extracted my Force essence and converted it into a powder that he weirdly rubs into his gross antennas, I have felt myself growing stronger. Tox was right about that much. Even though he drained me completely, my body has slowly replenished its Force power. Could I take him now?

"We must obey our Master," Mace said calmly, trying to rationalize with me. 

"Stop drinking that Rodian's Kool-Aid."

Mace's dead eye nearly popped out of his head. "What the hell is Kool-Aid?!"

Taking in Mace's appearance and situation, I shake my head in disgust. "You used to be a great Jedi."

"There are no damn Jedi, Kenobi. You and your Padawan made sure of that!"

"We were all fooled by a great lie."

"Blah, blah, blah, mother fucka." It was obvious Mace was bored with this old argument. 

"We all made tragic mistakes, Mace. It doesn't mean you have to crawl on the ground like a womp rat, roll over and present your belly to him. Get away from Vinto Tox."

"Damn, Kenobi. Don't you think I tried that shit?" Mace cleared his throat. "He is my Master. He saved my life. He nursed me back to health when everyone else turned their friggin backs on me."

"Mace," I looked upon him with a great sense of shame, "the Jedi all believed that Palpatine had killed you. And Tox only took care of you so that he would have an endless supply of Force essence."

"Man," Mace huffed, "shut up!" With that he stormed out of my hut. 

As I watched Mace willingly walk towards his own eventual doom, I reflected on how the former Master Jedi had gone through such a metamorphosis. Before the Clone Wars Mace Windu had the personality of a space pirate frozen in carbonite, there was nothing there. Now, he was a defeated, foul mouthed, psychotic, who fueled another madman's quest for power. 

How was this going to end, and when was Tox going to come for me?

Regardless, I had a mission to maintain, and it took precedent over all of this other insanity. So I walked to the Lars homestead to check up on the real Chosen One. 

Luke was digging in the sand as he usually did, burying Beru's feet, then waddling around as she chased him. It was a beautiful scene, something that was almost mine, but it was too dangerous to happen. Sometimes being a hermit really sucked wampa balls. 

Seeing that all was well with Luke, I made my way back through the Jundland Wastes. I allowed my mind to reflect on the time I had Beru all to myself, in bed. Yes, being allowed to have sexual relations was one of the good things that came out of Order 66. But after we broke a few bed springs, she was kidnapped by Boba Fett and held hostage by Jabba the Hutt. It was as a result of this that my 'getting busy' days were over. 

Being lost in my perverted thoughts I had not noticed the two figures walking towards me. It was Mace with Vinto Tox, and they both held lightsaber hilts in their hands. They tracked me down and corned me in this narrow ravine. Bastards. 

As we closed in on each other Tox shouted to me, "Master Kenobi, how I've missed you!"

"Oh, blow it out your green ass, Tox!" Man, did I hate Rodians. 

Vinto Tox chuckled politely, as Mace walked silently beside him with a blank expression on his face. 

Tox waited until he was standing before me so he need not yell, "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I'm quite disappointed in you, Master Kenobi. You refused my offer, and stood me up for four days. How rude."

"'Offer' implies that I was given a choice, and if that's the case you can kiss my Jedi ass!" 

Tox curled his green lips. "Feeling stronger, are we?"

I ignited my saber. "Care to come a tad closer, Vox. Your Basic isn't so good."

"You insult me, sir." Tox feigned being offended. "You think me a moronic lizard man from a backwards planet?"

"Kind of, yeah."

"Ha!" Tox threw his head back. "I am no simpleton, Master Kenobi. Your saber skills are legendary. So I will not be enticed into a duel with you."

"Come on, lizard man," I smirked, "let me show you what I can do."

"No thank you, sir. But let me show you something." Tox reached into his cloak and pulled out a glass vial. "You know what this is, Master Kenobi?"

I did not want to know. 

"Probably wise to hold your tongue," Tox said, as he opened the vial and sprinkled the green powder onto his antennas. "This is the essence of Count Dooku. It was not easy to obtain, so I save it for special occasions."

I could feel the color leave my face. If he could capture a Sith Lord, what kind of a chance did I stand against him?

Vinto Tox twisted and contorted his body as if he were experiencing tremendous pain. Then, as quickly as it started it ended and he gathered his composure. 

"Now then," Tox said, "where were we? Oh yes!"

He raised his hand and I was suddenly flying into the ravine wall. He held me there for a moment, and then flung me against the other side. I felt like a youngling that was being tossed around by a rancor. 

As I was pinned against the rock surface, he raised his voice slightly so that I wouldn't miss a word. "I don't want to kill you, Master Kenobi. One does slaughter their prize blue milk producing bantha. However, I really do want to hurt you. So this might sting a bit."

Vinto Tox raised both his hands, as Mace stood beside him staring down at the sand. 

"Mace!" I screamed, then suddenly it happened. 

Blue Force lightning shot out of the Rodian's hands. My body was instantaneously engulfed in an electrified field. My body seized up, twisting into painful positions. Besides feeling the ultimate pain, the only other thing I was aware of was the smell of my sizzling flesh. 

I heard laughter, then blacked out.


End file.
